Drabbles from the Past: Nov. 6, 'o6

 "2 People, 1 Body" was another migraine drabble that I wrote one morning way back. What follows is the original text.

Two people, one body. That is the way that it often seems to me. There truly are two very different people residing in this body, each taking turns to be the one that the world sees. I don’t have multiple personality disorder, it just appears that I am two people; two sides of one coin. One side is the “healthy” me.

This ‘me’ is energetic, curious, spontaneous, funny, and happy. It has a way of finding good in every situation and truly enjoying life. It doesn’t take anything for granted, but appreciates every small, common action, as though it were the best and most thrilling experience. This is because this me knows that the little things are not to be taken for granted. Nothing is certain, there is nothing written in stone, and it cannot be predicted. The healthy me is aware of its surroundings, and takes everything in, storing it my brain to be looked over and appreciated. The smallest things can be the most fascinating. Once, the healthy ‘me’ took almost forty-five minutes walking half a block, following a procession of ants as they marched down the sidewalk, going from lawn to lawn, joining with their fellow ants, and then going into several different ant hills. Eventually, the ants petered out as the last ant hill had been passed. But that trail of ants was fascinating, for it gave me a chance to look at the world from another point of view. Another thing a love to do when I’m healthy is watch people. It doesn’t matter where I am, I can do it sitting at my own dinner table, watching my family, or in some crowed area like Disneyland. This healthy ‘me’ is shy, but once I get to know someone I can be outgoing and fun loving. This is the ‘me’ that will crack jokes and come up with activities that are a little off the beaten path.  But there is another me.

The “sick” me side of the coin is almost a foil of the healthy me. This ‘me' is slow, jaded, serious, and depressed. I see the negative part of everything, having experienced it personally. This me can stare at the wall for hours on end, not seeing, not caring. The smallest things weigh me down, making life harder to deal with. My world is then more comfortable in stark black and white, eliminating almost all shades of grey. Details confuse and frustrate the sick me while even the simplest things are made nearly impossible to comprehend. I once spent close to an hour trying to count to add 4+3 on my fingers, knowing that it was seven, but never getting my fingers to show that. Time and again I would try to count to seven, and each time I would fail, making me feel more and more inept. The sick ‘me’ isn’t interested in people. They are just one more source of stimulation, guilt, and overwhelming emotions. Even those people who I hold dear, I hold at a distance. This ‘me’ wants to be separate from the world; alone in its own little bubble where I have no obligations and nothing increases the pain.

These different ‘me’s depresses, distresses, and scare people. They want a base that can be trusted, and I cannot give them that base. There are times when I am in the middle, when I am in enough pain to slow me down but not enough to make me depressed and mentally useless. This too disturbs some people because they know that it is a delicate balance. Those who know me well, know that when I am balancing on the very edge of razor, ready to fall at either moment to one extreme or the other. There are few times when it is possible to forget the two ‘me’s and just be.

 Quantum in me fuit,
~Gretchen